I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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