Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
