Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
