Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
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btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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