can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
