You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
