Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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