I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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