I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
