I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
