I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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