Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
