A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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