I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
