He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
