Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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