did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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