if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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