Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
