we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
