I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?