"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks