Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
