It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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