How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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