just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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