She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
