tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
