there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
