Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
