My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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