Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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