I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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