I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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