I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
