omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i need some magic done to my vagina
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
