i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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