Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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