Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
