I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Found your dick twin last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
