capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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