Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
