so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
