well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love you. Go after that dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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