is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
