so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
