I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
