Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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