fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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