How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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