god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
