remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
