she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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