My hand turned me down
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
