All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
