this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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