Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
