The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
