I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
