My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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