Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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