the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
