Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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