I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
