i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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