I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
