her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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