I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
