Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A+ Viking dick
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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