I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
