I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
