my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
